Future Mask Lets You Breathe In Space?
With the advent of recreational space travel, lots of companies have been hard at work crafting the next generation of items we will need in space. The future mask will allow anyone to create their own oxygen and breathe in space! If you are like most people, you can’t afford the $250,000 needed to get a ticket aboard the virgin galactic. Do you know what you can afford though? The stylish future mask! Think about it like this. Do you have survival items for that just in case the end of the world thing happens? Well shouldn’t you also have space items for just in case the world ends by aliens and we need to leave the planet in a rush?
The best way to assure that you won’t wind up suffocating in the blackness of space is to make sure you have a reliable supply of oxygen. Carrying oxygen all the way to space might be hard. The future mask tackles the problem of having too many bottles of oxygen by creating oxygen out of practically nothing! The future mask allows you to breathe in space by sucking in dark matter and using the power of physics and possibly some magic to turn it into 100% pure grade A oxygen.
Show everyone you meet that you are more modern and hipster than they are! Wear the Future Mask everyday! Not only will you always have a supply of quality grade A oxygen. People will be in awe of you, and wonder if they will ever look as amazing and sexy as you! The future mask is the most popular Saturday night clubbing accessory, just think about the endless conversations with the opposite sex that this mask will give you!
This is the perfect gift idea for anyone who loves space, breathes oxygen, or wants look fashionably trendy.
Selfie Toaster For Democrats!
This Selfie Toaster will change the way you eat breakfast forever! Let me put this into perspective for you. How many times have you faced the problem of having a sudden urge to smear butter all over another human being? Well if you said “every waking moment of my life” then don’t be ashamed! You’re just like every other normal American. If you’ve ever dreamed of smearing butter all over your favorite political figure, but you’ve never had the opportunity to do it. Then this selfie toaster is the only toaster you should own. It will allow you to indulge in your deepest, darkest, and most buttery fantasies.
Lets get into how this selfie toaster works. First, it’s pure fucking magic. Second, it’s pure fucking magic. No one really knows how this thing works. As soon as you put a piece of your favorite white bread into this toaster it reads your thoughts. Now most people think that a mind reading toaster is creepy, but it’s not. This selfie toaster was built with special privacy filtering mind reading technology. The toaster only finds out your political party. If you are a democrat it will print the face of your favorite political figure on your toast so that you can start your very own political butter smearing party all over your plate!
If you happen to be affiliated with any other party than the democrats, this selfie toaster will only do 1 thing. Print out the face of our most beloved leader.
Dictator Obama. President Obama! Just staring at the face of change on your toast day after day will only compel you to come to the democrats side. Obamacare isn’t just about healthcare anymore. It’s also about toast. Obamacares enough to be on your toast, and look you in the eyes every morning and say “American citizen… I Love You”
The Selfie toaster is the perfect gift idea for anyone who loves toast. It’s perfect for anyone whose into selfies, foodplay, smearing butter on things, or politics.
Are you thinking “Wtf is a Japanese bathtub?” Perhaps you’re thinking “Why would you ever need to move your tub outside of the bathroom?” Well the Japanese have a long history of getting naked in public and in private. So if you are fond of the Japanese lifestyle or you are the exhibitionist type who just can’t stand grime than you should analyze this tub a little closer.
Lets go through a list of it’s amazing offerings. This tub was designed for everyone! Both normal people and social recluses!
- Its portable. So you can take this Japanese bathtub on a hike or to a campsite.
- It’s inflatable, so it’ll pop on your ass when you’re naked on a mountaintop.
- It doubles as a free pair of clothes, the remnants of the popped Japanese bathtub can be wrapped around you to make it safely back to camp.
- It’s big enough for 2 people. So imagine having good old bath sex on a mountaintop after a long hike.
- Two words. Water Aerobics.
- PC gamers can clean and play at the same time. Click faster, Destroy your foes!
- Moms and Chefs can bathe while preparing delicious yet wholesome food.
- Farmers can bathe while riding on their tractors. Imagine staying clean while farming in the dirt! The miracles of the Japanese bathtub.
- You can pretend it’s a hot tub and bring it to weddings and funerals. You’ll never be without a seat again!
- You can bring it with you on public transportation! Don’t be late to work because you had to shower. Bathe on the subway!
Everyone needs this Japanese bathtub in their lives. Especially the Hikers, PC gamers, and Farmers, but ESPECIALLY the Hikers, PC gamers, and Farmers.
Keep Jellyfish Pets! Worlds Deadliest Sea Creature!
Did you know that the jellyfish is the worlds deadliest sea creature? Well now you can keep jellyfish pets at home. If you asked a random person what the worlds deadliest sea creature is they would most likely respond with “shark!” Well though sharks have a recorded 464 kills from 1580 to 2009. It’s the adorable, unsuspecting jellyfish that is the true silent ocean assassin. While unprovoked shark attacks average out to about 1 a year. The box jellyfish is responsible for 20-40 deaths a year. That makes these little jellyfish pets the most bad ass creature you can keep at home legally.
The problem with trying to keep jellyfish pets comes in figuring out how to keep them alive. Most people give up their quest to keep jellyfish as pets when they get into things they don’t understand. Knowing what ppm levels of ammonia, and nitrate are okay for jellyfish, or knowing the pH of your tank water is what will determine the equilibrium balance between the two chemicals. is enough to scare away the jellyfish pet newbie. Even if they progress beyond the research and actually purchase a tank, they soon find that their jellyfish friends are really sensitive to changes in salinity, or temperature, or PH. Once that first cleaning comes, dead jellyfish normally follow.
That’s where the beauty of the desktop jellyfish tank comes in. It allows you to keep jellyfish pets without all the worry about any of the monitoring or research. This thing allows you to breed and grow the worlds deadliest sea creature as if you were Poseidon. It comes with instructions that even a 5 year old could understand. They overnight jellyfish to you as well, so if a problem does come up then you’ll have a replacement overnight.
This is the perfect gift idea for anyone who wants to keep jellyfish pets, or anyone who loves watching the “World’s Deadliest” on TV. I highly recommend breeding an army of intelligent mutated jellyfish that you can throw at your friends! Just wear gloves!
Baby Burrito Blanket Endorsed By Obama!
Have you ever heard an older person say something along the lines of “That’s so cute I could just eat it up?” Well as creepy as that is. Von Vivant Baby created this adorable baby burrito blanket swaddle set that even comes with a tortilla hat. This baby burrito set is so cute its guaranteed to make people want to kidnap your baby. If you thought having your baby kidnapped was the worst thing that could happen, you must not have read that Barack Obama has been seen eating babies!
Barack Obama loves baby burritos. He also loves kissing babies at political events. What you may not have heard however, is that Barack Obama is actually tasting the babies, while making it look like a simple presidential kiss. At his last primary a women handed Barack Obama her baby, which happened to be dressed up as a baby burrito. When Obama got his hands on that adorable burrito, he didn’t even get a solid look at it before he sank his presidential teeth into that newborn baby burrito.
We don’t recommend that you dress your baby up to take to a political convention to see if Obama will grace you with a presidential baby bite. We also recommend that you keep your baby burrito away from drug addicts. The old urban legends from the long long ago, in the before times, say that drug addicts would eat babies.
This is the perfect gift idea for anyone that just had a baby. It’s also a great gift for anyone who loves burritos, or Mexican food in general. The baby tortilla hat can be used by adults as well. Who doesn’t want to let the world know that they love burritos? The best way is to use your baby as an advertisement that says “this is my baby burrito, and we are the burrito family!”
Wake And Bake Coffee Mug Pipe!
The first thing most stoners do when they wake up in the morning is pack a bowl of weed. The wake and bake is a past time enjoyed by millions of people all over the globe each morning. If you are still caught up with the stigma that enjoying a bowl of weed is a crime, then you should do a google search for “The DEA plans to reclassify marijuana by July 2016.” Now that everyone is on the same page. We can all better understand how the stoners wake and bake methodology works.
To understand the greatness of this wake and bake coffee mug you must understand the mind of a pothead. First, you must pack a bowl of weed to gain motivation for a task. You will enjoy the task more while high. Second, at the completion of the task, you must pack a bowl of weed to celebrate your victory in accomplishing your task. Third, If you were away from home while doing the task, you must pack a bowl of weed once you have entered your home, as you are tired from the day’s task, and you deserve to relax. The reason the “Wake And Bake” is the equivalent of zen meditation for stoners is because it sets up the day for the tasks at hand.
This Wake And Bake Coffee Mug Pipe does more than just get you high. It combines the two biggest morning motivators in the world. Weed and Coffee. Stoners don’t want to rush out and fight traffic only to wait in line at a busy coffee shop for a burnt cup of coffee. They want to relax at home, under a blanket, slowly getting ready. In between packing bowls of weed, warming up by drinking a nice cup of coffee and getting the energy to back up that creative high. Do you know what goes great with the Wake And Bake Coffee Mug Pipe? Cannabis infused coffee! If you are a medical marijuana patient check out this recipe on how to infuse weed into your coffee. You can ingest your medical marijuana in two different ways with this mug!
Chocolate Covered Bacon Oreos
These bacon oreos combine two of the greatest gifts on earth. Bacon and chocolate. These little bacon bite cookies start as normal double stuffed oreo cookies. The cookies then get coated in a thick layer of dark chocolate that is mixed with crushed bacon bits. Finally these little delicacies are topped with tiny pink pig shaped sprinkles. One bite, and the you’ll notice the rich, smooth, dark chocolate is complimented by the salty and savory bacon bits. The bite gets even better as you make your way to the creamy center of the oreo.
There is no possible way to go wrong with buying these things. Fuck diabetes. Fuck heart attacks. Fuck what your doctors have told you. The only thing better than chocolate covered bacon oreos are deep fried chocolate covered bacon oreos. Since you can’t purchase deep fried products on the internet, these cookies become the greatest gift you can buy on the internet.
You should buy these for yourself, because let’s be honest, these bacon oreos are way too good to give to anyone else as a gift. A little indulgence never hurt anyone, and you know the thought of these cookies is too tempting to pass up!
Deer Ass Bottle Opener To Impress The Ladies!
This Deer Ass Bottle Opener is the magic trick to impress the ladies and make girls instantly want you. Let me explain, have you ever wondered how to pick up girls? Have you tried to fumble your way through small talk only to wind up alone night after night? Well are you sick and tired of watching your friends hook-up at parties or pull numbers every time you go out for a round of drinks? If I was in your position I’d kill myself, but I’m not, because I’m alpha. This Deer Ass was handcrafted by God himself to make you alpha and impress the ladies in your life!
I know what you are thinking, “how can this deer ass possibly impress the ladies?” Well first of all, girls love ass. Second of all this fine piece of deer ass is also a bottle opener. So throw a party, and ask a girl if she wants a drink. Take her over to your deer ass bottle opener and show her how it works. She will thank you for the drink, and comment on your ass. This is your moment to strike my friend! You should have a pre-planned witty remark for when a girl comments on your ass. Something like “Well if you think this ass is impressive…” and I’m sure you can finish off with something brilliant!
This Deer Ass Bottle Opener won’t just impress the ladies, it will get get you laid! It’s guaranteed by the manufacturer or your money back!
This gift idea is perfect for your mom. That’s not an insult. Remember, this Deer Ass Bottle Opener was designed to impress the ladies and get you laid. This is also the perfect gift idea for the frat boy, the incoming college freshman, the sorority girl, the hunter, the “do you even lift bro?” guy, and of course, the nice guys that finish last.
Relaxman Capsule Deprivation Chamber!
Designed by NASA. Used by astronauts to patrol the outer rings. Just kidding, the Relaxman Capsule Deprivation Chamber was designed by the Biotonus Clinic in Switzerland. Though it looks like a spaceship, it was designed for relaxation, and stress reduction. The Relaxman capsule is heat, sound and light proof. Giving you total isolation and immersion.
Inside the Relaxman Capsule Deprivation Chamber there is a heated water mattress that was designed to stay at your body temperature. Music and lights help to take your conscious mind into a deep state of sublime relaxation. Research has proven that with just 50 minutes of rest in a negative ion-enriched atmosphere will not only improve sleep imbalances, but also reduce negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, and fatigue.
If you have seen Joe Rogan’s deprivation chambers and have gotten jealous, and you also want to meditate in what feels like total weightlessness, then the Relaxman Capsule Deprivation Chamber is for you! Don’t buy this one as a gift, keep it for yourself! Your health will improve and your life will get better.
WTF Circumcision Trainer!?
Okay wtf is this really? This product claims to be a “circumcision trainer” but how do know that’s really the case?
This has to be the creepiest item that you can buy on the internet. No doctors credentials needed, just go ahead and purchase a silicone baby penis to practice your cutting skills. I guess the good news is that at least we know doctors are trained on how to cut a dick properly. Could you imagine a world of botched circumcisions?
This is the gift that you get for someone you hate. Order this, and don’t even wrap it. Wait till late at night, and leave this on their front lawn with a sign that says “Quit training, moved on to the real thing, FREE BABY TRAINER.” Then just wait for reactions from neighbors. Better yet, make a Craigslist post for a 6am yard sale at your enemies house. Then more than just their neighbors will see the creepy “circumcision trainer” baby penis simulator on their front lawn.
Buy this as a gag gift, just don’t buy this for yourself. There are better dreams to have than to strive to be the best at circumcisions.
The Face Slimmer
Ladies, if your mouth is getting wider then you need “The Face Slimmer.” This anti-aging beauty tool is guaranteed to bring your mouth muscles back to their former glory.
The Japanese continuously bring us strange products. Especially products designed for the face. This mouth exerciser is no exception . If the first thought you had was “Wtf is this made out of?” then you will be thrilled to learn that this anti-wrinkle tool is made entirely of shirinkongumu. It promises to give you a youthful looking face, while helping to tone the corners of your mouth at an upward angle and strengthing the muscles of the face that you don’t use that often.
Let’s be serious for one second. The Face Slimmer is basically just a blow-job trainer. Ladies, the more you use this mouth muscle trainer, the more your man will love your mouth. This is the perfect gift for the slut, the wife, the girlfriend, or the old lady in your life who doesn’t remember what a blow-job is, and just drools a lot.
Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz!
Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz happens to be the best book of 2016. It won more awards than any other book in 2016. Here is a brief synopsis: Prisoners 999 and 1001 are conjoined twin brothers. They are stuck in a terror filled prison camp known as Auschwitz. To survive, they must eat kid skin and work all day constructing bicycles and sex dolls out of dead children. Auschwitz is ran by a racist, fascist, and flatulent group of aliens called Ass Goblins. The ass goblins travel in ass shaped spaceships abducting kids from Kidland. If this shit already sounds twisted and cringey as fuck then you should read the whole book. The Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz is a non stop roller coaster ride of humor, adrenaline, hope, fear, and love.
The conjoined twins must overcome adversity at every step of their perilous journey as they try and make their escape. The only chance of survival will come after the Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz get drunk off of fermented children cider. Will the twins in their moment of glorious opportunity, dodge trouble, escape the evil prison camp Auschwitz and make it home safe and sound? The Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz is filled with things we can’t even write about on the internet. This is definitely one of the most alluring, intriguing, and disgusting works of fiction that the world has ever seen.
Do yourself a favor and grab Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz on kindle or something. Don’t be the last one to read the greatest book of all time. If you miss your chance at owning this cult classic you may never forgive yourself. This is the perfect gift for the Rabbi, the Hebrew school teacher, the Volkswagen driver, the ww2 vet, or the hot topic aficionado in your life.
Girlfriend Leg Pillow??
One of the Japanese products that causes a lot of cringe is the Girlfriend Leg Pillow. This pillow, modeled after a Japanese girl sitting down, happens to be quite popular among single men aged 16-35 in Japan. In fact, most men in Japan are too busy and too shy to approach women. A lot of men go on to lead single lives, but they want companionship like the rest of us. The Japanese pillow industry is rife with lifelike and anatomically correct pillow products.
Weeaboos everywhere are in agreement when they say that women are obsolete. That real human women are only tsundere and don’t fill that traditional housewife role that they used to. It’s because of this moral dogma that the weeaboos stick to so heavily that has allowed industry giants to come in with their synthetic waifu products to make money. If you know anyone who may be a weeaboo you may want to get them professional help. Sometimes even professional help fails. When that happens, you should be glad your friend is only a weeaboo and not a furry. Furries wouldn’t enjoy the girlfriend leg pillow anyway. It’s not hairy enough.
This girlfriend leg pillow is all you need to take with you on a long hike or even to work and school! You can cuddle with your waifu legs whenever you feel the need. I recommend laying out on the grass on your Girlfriend Leg Pillow, the next time you are invited to a wedding. Show everyone that love with humans is overrated! The weeaboos are going to take over the world. Anime is here to stay whether we like it or not. We might as well get with the times and move to Japan and settle down with a nice plush partner that treats us right.
Japanese butter grater!?
This Japanese Butter Grater is probably the weirdest looking food item that you will ever see. It was already pretty easy to take a knife and slice some butter, then it became even easier with the advent of whipped butter, and margarine spreads. If we didn’t have to work so hard at opening lids and packages, we’d save so much time cooking.
The Japanese, and their weird lifestyles have given us the Butter Grater. This thing holds all the butter you need, then when you make toast, or any other recipe that requires noodle strings of butter, you just spin the top, and watch the butter come out.
If you are like most Japanese people, then you won’t use this for food, and instead you’ll use the Japanese Butter Grater to grate butter all over your naked sexual partners! Make sure to pretend that the butter strings are evil alien tentacles to give your Japanese butter porn movie a more realistic feel.
Illuminati New World Order Card Game
This Illuminati New World Order Card Game by Steve Jackson came out in 1981. This game has predicted 9/11, Princess Diana’s death, oil spills, Lady Gaga, the pentagon attacks, Fukushima, and it even predicts President Obama’s assassination. Although this games predictions are totally just a coincidence, foil hat wearers everywhere are in agreement that Steve Jackson must have had insider information when he created this game.
I suggest that if you want to be prepared for the next global catastrophe that plunges America back into the dark ages then you purchase the Illuminati Card Game. You can start brushing up on the future world events that have yet to happen. This game is insanely rare, and super expensive, but we are just talking about your future survival here, and the survival of your future generations of offspring. Can you really afford to not pack the Illuminati New World Order Card Game in your bug out bag? I didn’t think so.
This is the perfect gift idea for the prepper, survivalist, or conspiracy theorist in your life. Gamers, nerds, and even Wil Wheaton will appreciate how rare and fantastic the Illuminati New World Order Card Game really is.
Handspresso! Make espresso while you drive!
The greatest fucking invention of all time. The Handspresso. This convenient little travel espresso maker is styled to look like an expensive camera, but it doesn’t take any pictures. What it lacks in shutter speed it makes up for in pure coffee awesomeness.
Have you ever been driving, wishing you had some caffeine to keep you going? Well what better than to take your hands off the wheel while going 80 on the highway than the Handspresso? All you do, is turn on your cruise control, and grab your favorite coffee. Then after disassembling the Handspresso unit, while checking your mirrors to be safe, fill it with that oh so delicious and much needed caffeinated god herself known as coffee, and press the button. In 30 seconds or so, you’ll have hot, fresh espresso like you’ve never tasted before. The best part is, you don’t have to stop driving to get your espresso fix.
This is the perfect gift idea for the race car driver, coffee addict, Portland local or even the fake Instagram photographer! Get your Handspresso today!
Satans Toilet Paper: All Black
When Satan shits, he needs something practical, violent, and scary, yet soft, and organic because he cares about the earth he one day wants to rule over. Satan turns to his trusted All Black Satans Toilet Paper, the kind that uses 100% virgin pulp, because Satan loves virgins. Lucifer has always had to deal with chaffing from using inferior 2-ply white toilet paper, so the lord of the underworld insists that he use only the finest biodegradable 3-ply.
If you are like Satan, or you just enjoy wondering whether or not you “got it all.” then Satans Toilet Paper will always leave you guessing.
This is perfect for the goth frat house, your FIDM freshman just moving to the city, the sad EMO, or even the mentally challenged nickelback fan!
18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream!?
Apparently the problem with getting old is having your vagina widen to the point of calling it the human chasm. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream is here to stop that canyon from spreading wider. No one wants to toss a hotdog down a hallway. So if you think that you may need this product, then don’t hesitate. It’s not a bad thing that your vagina is gaping wider than a laundry bag on laundry day. It’s a normal part of aging. It happens to all ladies. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Guys, is your girlfriend feeling a bit roomy down there? Wondering if you are measuring up, or if maybe your girls pussy is just turning into the Bermuda Triangle and swallowing things whole? Have you gone from one finger to your whole fist? Is your girlfriend sneaking snacks into movie theaters while not even carrying a purse? Well check out this 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream and rub some on yourself the next time you are going to go spelunking. The results are guaranteed to make you both feel like virgins all over again. It will help you to stop feeling insecure about the size of your manhood. It will heighten your sexual pleasure. Most importantly though, the 18 again vagina shrink cream will make you become the sex god you always knew you were.
Don’t forget that this is the perfect gift for grandmas next birthday, or even mothers day! Get your tube of 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream today! Remember, 1 tube of this stuff and it’s guaranteed by the manufacturer to tighten all of your vagina muscles to virgin like strength, or your money back! It’s time you took control of your sexual libido. Don’t let a gaping vagina stand in the way of happiness.
Crafts for Retarded: They Shall Learn
“Crafts for Retarded: Through their Hands They Shall Learn” is a book from 1964. The crafts are challenging, and one even requires a knife! If you are the crafty kind of person, but you always seem to fail at your projects, then perhaps it’s not your fault. Maybe you are just retarded.
Thank god, you are only retarded, now that you know, go ahead and buy Crafts for Retarded. The intensity level rises with each page flipped, as the crafts get harder and harder to create. You will start out by coloring on a blank piece of paper, and by the end of the book, you’ll be able to make your very own retarded origami pet!
If you aren’t stoked enough to buy this book just yet, wait until you hear the best part. This book will force the mentally challenged folks in your life to stop asking you for help. This book empowers the retarded, giving them an ego boost that only adds to their super human strength. Trust me when I tell you that you need Crafts for Retarded in your life!
Obama Endorsed Smoking Mittens!
Have you wondered how Eskimos smoke weed? What about how Russians smoke weed in the worst of winters? Well according to President Obama, they all use the Smoking Mittens. These mittens allow your pimp hand to stay warm even when the snow is coming down harder than the twin towers.
These are the perfect mittens for all winter outdoor activities. If you hate the way that cigarettes or joints feel on your bare hands then you might want to consider these gloves as well. Folks with papyrophobia will definitely want to get these. Although you are fucking weird for being scared of paper, maybe these gloves will help you to get high and calm the fuck down.
Look if the President of the United States uses these Smoking Mittens, to get high on his work trips, then all Americans should use Smoking Mittens to get high, in all bad weather conditions!
Justin Bieber’s Man Sack
Going through life with only 2 hands is tough. It always seems like we need more hands, or more bags to carry stuff. The Man Sack is here to help everyone as the world’s leading testicle shaped fanny pack and the worlds first ball shaped fanny pack to be endorsed by celebrity singer Justin Bieber!
If you were looking for an inconspicuous way to store your drugs and drug paraphernalia, then The Man Sack is probably what you’ve been searching for your entire life. No cop in his right mind would ever ask you to unzip your testicles so he could see inside. This sack inspired fanny pack is the perfect small bag to carry your bible to church, or your children prescription medications.
Don’t be the only one at the next Bieber concert to not be wearing The Man Sack!
BabyMop: Make Babies Your Slave!
It’s never been easier to own a sweatshop where you employ as workers your personal baby army! With the advent of new inventions in cleaning technology like the BabyMop Cleaning Romper, you can open that dream house cleaning business you’ve always wanted.
If you need your house cleaned, but the chores of parenting have taken their tole on your energy levels, and you just want to watch the new American Idol season, then why not put that baby to use? You made the baby, now make that baby work for you. Dress your slave in their patented BabyMop cleaning romper. Put some peanut butter on a fishing line or grab a laser pointer, and get your babies attention. Then it’s as simple as guiding your baby around the room to tackle all those hard to reach spots. Remember, babies can get into tighter areas than adults, so don’t be afraid to put the baby in the air ducts to get fresher air flowing through your house. We are talking about your babies health here, fresh air is a must!
If you know someone who just had a baby, then make sure you get them the BabyMop. It will make their lives so much easier.
Beanie Light For The Blind!
The Beanie Light for the blind is a unique normal black beanie, with a Chinese LED in the front. Not made of a wool blend, and just slightly comfy, this beanie was made to blind your friends, or random drivers on the street.
Some highlights about this beanie headlamp include the ability to put your keys in your keyhole at night. You can legally flash people at mardi gras, you can blind your boss, you can blind your friends, you can blind your pets. Literally, you can blind anything with eyes. This LED is so fucking bright, that you will think the sun exploded when you first turn it on.
If you don’t have light sensitivity, then you will after wearing this beanie light. You know the light at the end of the tunnel people say they see right before they die? Welll this light is so bright, even the dead can still see it. Sorry, there is no heaven, the light at the end of this tunnel is the fucking Beanie Light!
Smartphone Paper Airplane
This bluetooth module allows any smartphone to control and fly a paper airplane. Powerup 3.0 smartphone paper airplane teaches the fundamentals of aerodynamics, while providing hours of fun.
If you have ever wanted to send secret messages off the grid, then this is perhaps the best way to do that. Just write your secret conspiracy theories down on your favorite piece of paper. Take that paper and fold it into a paper airplane, then using your smartphone, fly your new airplane containing your secret message to your intended recipient. Careful though, don’t fly your new airplane into any buildings, we wouldn’t want you to be responsible for another 9/11.
If you have plans to smuggle family members across the border then you probably already know that flying is the way to smuggle in style. So you should purchase this smartphone paper airplane today, and make your smuggling dreams a reality.
Selfie Hair Brush!
Since the dawn of the selfie, Man has attempted to duct tape his phone onto anything he could. For the sole reason of taking the perfect selfie. Well the Selfie Hair Brush is here to provide you with a tool to take the perfect selfie, while doubling as a functional hairbrush to keep you looking fresh in all your instagram pics.
Now that you have your look setup all you need to do is walk around town, texting on your hair brush, and when the opportunity strikes to snap that perfect picture, slip the professional paddle brush through your luxurious locks and then smile big as you stare into the back of the paddle. Everyone around you will be amazed at how such a model could be in their presence, and they’ll burn with jealousy as they gaze upon your Selfie Hair Brush wishing they were beautiful and smart enough to find where to purchase one.
Get one of these selfie hair brush things for the snapchat queen in your life!
Immortal Canned Bacon!
Who doesn’t love bacon? To make sure that bacon can get to all people in all countries of the world no matter how desolate the region, we now have Canned Bacon. This shit will last 10 years. Therefore, this shit is immortal.
Let’s be serious though, who is really going to wait 10 years to open this fully cooked and ready to eat delicious canned meat snack? No one will wait, like rabid animals as soon as this can gets to you, you will, undoubtedly, gnaw the top off with your teeth and swallow the contents whole. Try not to choke, as the all artificial added smoke flavor caresses your taste buds, forcing your brain into blissful submission.
You know you want this. Who can possibly resist the savory temptation of Canned Bacon? This is the perfect gift idea for the hunter, the foodie, the fatty, or the newborn baby in your life.
Holy Crap Cereal! With Real Poop?!
People have been searching for the Holy Grail for centuries. It takes energy to search for religious relics, so they probably have been eating Holy Crap Cereal for centuries as well.
This cereal looks like it is full of bible verses, and child molestation, however you’ll be happy to learn that it contains neither. In fact this shit is so good it’s all non-gmo and organic.
So why name it Holy Crap Cereal then? Well it’s because when you eat this shit, you get the powers of god himself. We are talking eye lasers, finger lasers, telepathy, ass lasers, and whatever else god can do. Supposedly in order to attain godlike powers you must feast on the droppings of the god you want to embody. So this stuff is full of godshit.
If you have a health conscious neighbor, a new age friend, a catholic priest, or any other devout person in your life, then you need to get them this cereal, so they too can shoot ass lasers. Seriously, this stuff says that it’s “rocket fuel.” Energize your sunday school sessions with Holy Crap Cereal!
The Goatee Saver
This Goatee Saver may be the worlds best companion gift for the fedora lover in your life.
This goatee shaving template may resemble the mouth parasites from the movie Aliens, but don’t worry, the manufacturers haven’t learned how to program these little guys to stop you from breathing just yet.
For guys like Micheal J. Fox, where an etch-o-sketch is his worst enemy, this cringe worthy goatee template may come in handy. Then again, if you have Parkinsons, holding a razor to your face is an extreme sport where you put your life on the line.
If you are into that whole hipster mustache fad, then try the Goatee Saver out. Just don’t blame us if your neighbors see you in it and think you are some Batman Bane cosplayer.
Wine Glass Neck Strap!
Alcoholics everywhere agree that this Wine Glass Neck Strap is a 10/10.
Don’t let anyone tell you that alcoholism is a disease. Show off your classy neoprene strap that says “I’m a professional, who has way too much to do than to bother holding my wine.”
The next time you find yourself driving down the freeway in your Prius, while choosing the next Enya song from your road trip playlist, don’t let your friends catch you without your signature organic wine. Better yet, why not drive around town smelling the wonderful aroma of your favorite vino wafting up from your neckline and regail your friends with tails of your university years in France. The rubberized lining will provide extra gripping power, for those times you may just be too drunk to rely on the power of your own grip strength.
If you don’t buy this Wine Glass Neck Strap, then you will be the only one without one on your next Napa winery tour
Neck Genie Neck Line Slimmer
So you’re American, you have 3-10 chins, and are looking for a way to look younger, healthier, and slimmer without dieting, or exercise? Well the Neck Genie Neck Line Slimmer is for you, all you do is toss some batteries in this bitch, and it’ll transport your neckline through time and space itself.
You will have heart attack after the first time you use this. Not from the physical activity, but from the sight of yourself in the mirror and your new slim neck line after you use the neck genie.
If you aren’t looking for a way to slim your neckline, you can always just order these wholesale and drop some crates off at senior centers. That would be doing the world a favor.
Support activism, and get the Neck Genie Neck Line Slimmer today!
Vomit pills! Make your friends puke!
These vomit pills are incredible. Have you ever wanted to fake sick to get out of school or work? Have you ever wanted to do something diabolical, and spike a friends drink?
These puke capsules are a special blend of herbs and spices, they are all natural and safe and guaranteed to make anyone of any age or size spill their guts.
The next time some douche cockblocks you at the club, drop one of these into his drink and walk away. In minutes you’ll be in hysterics and he’ll be out of commission, leaving just you and the girl of your dreams.
These vomit pills make dreams a reality, every second of every day.
Kitty Carpet Vagina Toupee!?
If you thought Miley Cyrus had done everything, you were wrong. She hasn’t paraded around in only her kitty carpet vagina toupee just yet! You may have seen Miley Cyrus’ vagina all over the internet, who hasn’t? Did you know that Miley did a short advertising campaign for a company called Kitty Carpet? Apparently this company thrives off of girls mishandling Nair or using dull razors. Their most famous product the kitty carpet vagina toupee aims to cover up those pubic hair mistakes.
Girls normally have a few choices when it comes to those downstairs crotch hair styles. Hairless, the V, the landing strip… but what happens when a girl attempts the landing strip, but ends up with the Macaulay Culkin? You know, the one that makes her vagina look like the brain bug from Starship Troopers met the balding John Travolta. Well if you’ve ever been in that predicament, you could just go hairless, but that wouldn’t be that 70’s of you would it? Every woman knows that in order to feel the powers of womanhood she needs a magnificent and majestic bush. This is why the kitty carpet vagina toupee is such a good product. It empowers women more than feminism ever dreamed it could.
Well the kitty carpet vagina toupee is here to save the day. When you botch your wax job, but still want a bush that would make Debbie Does Dallas do you, then you need this in your life! This is the perfect gift for anyone who has a balding vagina. You can also use this to accentuate your bikini line for the summer time. Strippers love to buy this as well as they can purchase a vagina toupee in every color that human hair comes in! Dye your hair? This is perfect for matching the carpet to the drapes!
Solid Gold Blunt Wraps!!
Solid Gold Blunt Wraps, just in case you get tired of rolling your weed in $100 dollar bills.
These all gold wraps are hotter than hotline bling at a middle school dance party. Theses golden rays of sunshine are guaranteed to make even Riff Raff wanna trade you his aquaberry diamond necklace and grill combo for just one hit of that pure golden pleasure.
Mcdonalds may have the golden arches, but you can have golden weed sessions where you smoke like a king!
If you know a ghetto gangster who spends more money on weed stuff than bills, or you know a rich pretentious smoker that needs that rare aficionado item then Solid Gold Blunt Wraps are the thing you need.
The Cruisin Cooler
The cruisin cooler, one of the 4 beasts of the apocalypse from the bible.
This thing is crazy, you can fill it with beers, then ride around on it. It has a cargo capacity of 8lbs of ice and 24 cans. This hell beast has 1000 watts, and can get to insanely fast speeds of 13mph.
Since God himself made this bitch, it can hold any typical American, and tops out at 300 pounds, you can even attach these things together and form a cruisin cooler train that will be so awesome it’ll make those who gaze upon it become your eternal slave.
The cruisin cooler is perfect for nascar races, weddings, bar mitzvahs, even first dates. Be careful taking it to a nascar race though, you don’t wanna be the guy who shows up the professional drivers by bringing a better racecar.
The Dog Dehydrator?
For those times that you need to make jerky, and all you have is man’s best friend: The Dog Dehydrator!
Imagine this, you come home from work and look in your jerky jar only to find that Fido got to your jerky first. Well don’t worry, all you need to do is put the patented puff-n-fluff dog dehydrating vest on your pre-washed canine, and in 24 hours, you will have delicious jerky to refill that jar! If you turn it off sooner than 24 hours, you may just have a dry dog.
Never again will man be out of meat snacks! Never again will a stray dog wander the streets without purpose!
If you needed a gift idea for a dog person or a remedy for a dog problem, then you owe it to yourself to buy the dog dehydrator!
Martin Loofah King!!
Don’t dream in the shower alone, share your dreams with Martin Loofah King.
The perfect shower buddy, he’ll never care what you smell or look like, or where you shove his face!
This is the perfect gift idea for the oppressed person in your life! If you know someone that is constantly under “the man’s” boot, or that rebel activist always chasing victory, then you need to give this to them. Empower and embolden their dreams, by helping them smell good for their next protest!
Don’t be afraid of Martin Loofah King, he loves to share, and he’ll make every shower an inspirational event!
Steampunk Pen Weapon?
Have you ever had a test so hard that you wished you had a Gatling gun or that your pen was some sort of steampunk pen weapon?
Have you heard of Steampunk? A sub-genre of Sci-Fi that blends technology and 19th century industrial steam powered designs together?
Well this thing claims to be a steampunk pen, while looking like a steam powered weapon from the future past.
This steampunk pen weapon is perfect to shoot people who give you too many documents to sign, or perfect to go with that burning man outfit you’ve been planning for the past 5 years.